On Karma and friendship.

I have never fully divulged the details of some major events that defined the past 2 years of my life. They're very personal, and truthfully very painful. Today, I think its time to get it all out.

Let me start from the beginning.

Four years ago, I moved from Annapolis, MD back home to my parents' house in PA. Right around that time, I had become really good friends with a girl that I worked with, Lani. We stayed in contact after I moved home, and became the very best of friends despite the fact that we lived 2 hours apart from each other. I drove to Annapolis almost every weekend to hang out - go shopping, take trips to the beach, go to concerts... we always had a blast! We were absolutely ridiculous together - basically speaking our own "best friends" language, and understanding each other without even having to speak - the way best friends usually do.

2008

Many times, when we'd go to concerts, Lani's older brother Donn would come with us - they were super-close, and the three of us hung out all the time. Little by little, Donn and I grew aware that we really enjoyed each others' company... and decided to become more than friends. Lani's reaction was not good, for many reasons that I don't even need to explain. And now, looking back years later, I know she was right. But its hard to step back and see these things when you're infatuated with someone. And we were totally, completely infatuated - so much so, that when Lani told us that she wouldn't be friends with either one of us (myself or her brother) if we continued to see one another, we made our decision. So Lani and I were no longer friends. And it hurt, but at the time it felt like she was being ridiculous. We thought she'd 'get over it'.

After about 6 weeks of dating, I went on a class trip to Curacao, Netherlands Antilles. The very first day of the trip, I met someone who totally, completely stole my heart - the same heart that Donn had owned, only a day before. But there was no doubt in my mind - I knew Teddy was the one for me. We spent that week in Curacao just as friends, getting to know one another...and when the day came that we were supposed to part ways (he had already graduated, and was actually only on the trip as a friend of the professor...now my advisor!), we both knew without speaking that we just couldn't part ways. It was already done. So I told Donn that day that I couldn't be with him anymore, and Teddy found an apartment in town (he had been living 4 hours north with his parents), and He and I became We.

A day or two after we met in 2009.

We moved in together only a few months after we started dating, but it didn't feel too soon... everything just felt right for us..... for an entire year or so. Fast forward now to December of 2009. Teddy was accepted to a grad program at a school in Texas, so we packed up all of our belongings and drove thousands of miles to his (our) new apartment. I still had a semester before graduation, so the plan was to have all of our stuff already down there, and for me to move down after I graduated a few months later. So that was that, and everything was good. Then in April, totally without warning, Teddy decided he didn't think he would have time for me once I got down there. I still don't understand exactly what happened, but it doesn't really matter, does it? I told him if he wasn't sure that he wanted to be with me, then I couldn't be with him. I was totally sure that I loved him, and didn't want anything else in the world. But he wasn't sure. So we broke up.

I was totally, utterly devastated. I don't think I ate for over a week. My entire world just...ended. I didn't care about anything. I literally cried every day for months. I think it took about 9 months before I wasn't deeply depressed anymore. Now, almost a year later, I recently came to the realization that I am better now than I was when I was with him. I'm a different person - the entire experience totally changed me, and probably in some ways that I'm still not aware of. But the thing is, I know what I want in my life. Having someone to share my life is just the icing on the cake.

2011

So, you're probably wondering what happened to Lani and Donn? I hadn't heard from either one in 2 years. I still feel pangs of regret, guilt, and sadness every time I think about either one of them. Donn and I were never meant to be, but I'm sorry that I hurt him. And I hated what I did to my best friend. I believe that everything in life happens for a reason...and I've often thought to myself that maybe all of the pain that I went through when Teddy and I broke up is Karma... its my repayment for what I did to two of my best friends.

Today, I went out with someone for the first time since Teddy and I broke up. I had an awesome time...and I think he did, too! We had a great time talking and laughing and getting to know each other. I definitely hope there'll be a second date! But it gets better - when I got home, I had a message from Lani, saying that she has missed me, and wishes that we could be friends again. Two years later. Is it a coincidence that she chose this day to contact me?

I feel like Karma has come full-circle, and maybe everything is right in my world. :)

Sorry for the unusually word-y and personal post... its just something that I needed to do. And anyway, its my blog, and I can do what I want. ;D